Honky Tonk Queenː The 2nd Decade

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Honky Tonk Queenː The 2nd Decade[1]
By Lois and Tami

In the IAGSDC® 10 year book Terry Presley, writing under the nom-de-plume of the late Sybil, gave an account of the origins of the Honky Tonk Queen contest. While some was true, it was decidedly slanted towards self-aggrandizement and unmitigated ego. Enough of the ranting _and ravings of a truly deranged mind. Anyone who can separate his or her disparage personalit1es (giving credit for Terry being a personality, which he isn't, and giving credit for Sybil being a simple personality, which she isn't) is a big ol' L-0-S-E-R in my book. But we digress. Let's check in with the ONLY voices of reason ever expectorated out of the Honky Tonk Queen contest, the vastly underrated and vastly oversized, the incomparable, the zaftig Lois Carmen D'Nominator and the demure and understated Tami Wynotte.

Let's see - shall we pick up where Symple - er, Sybil left off?

1992 Albuquerque, We Dance Where?
Albuquerque - you know we'll never forget it. We just can't say enough about Albuquerque - well, none that's fit for printing, anyway. It would have behooved the Committee, however, to find out that during the 4th of July weekend Albuquerque CLOSES!!! COMPLETELY!!!!! A last-one-out-turn-off-the-lights type of closed! Please forward our mail, and thanks for coming.

Once again, though, off the A train of thought. The contest was run by Dominique de Fountainbleau (and, once removed, Tami), who chose opera for the contest's theme. They entered the stage area by descending on the escalators, with hundreds of extras, in a grand "Wagnerian" fashion. While we waited and waited for the Queen's costume changes, Albuquerque marks the first time that Lois entered the Honky Tonk Queen contest with a lengthy group of SheDevils in tow. She also notes that, if it hadn't been for the carefully placed wringers in the crowd chanting "Lois, Lois," she would have been booted out with the other first round losers. Strategy is everything. Lois ended up in an operatic duel with Carmina Putana, the eventual winner of the contest. Lois reports that she NEVER wants to have to use plastic vomit and toilet paper as props again.

1993 Seattle, College Bound Again
Let's see - who ran this contest? Does anyone remember? Does anyone care? Carmina the Whore!! Ah, yes, it all comes back now, like a dream after bad refried beans! The contest was won by a cow. The lovely Moolena of Vancouver, BC, all drippy with jewels. Oh yeah, and they held the contest at the crack of screech (Noon) on a Saturday. Don't know about y'all, but it's against my religion (and all the gods of dragdom) to put on artificial lashes before 4 pm, unless its Gay Pride Week, daytime festivals where hot men without their shirts on might cuddle up and get their pictures taken with you, or you've had a really bad day and you need to feel beautiful. Let 1t be stated for the record, however, that this really was the first time that an actual talent was performed by a contestant. Saw playing - now there's one for the books!

1994 Washington, Out of the Secretarial Pool, and out of the Swimming Pool Too!
Moolena had a gotten a little too close to a meat grinder and was served up on a platter for this contest. (You might say that instead of a tartan, she wore a tartare!) For the first - and only - time in HTQ history, the runner-up had to fulfill the duties of the dead Queen, and we elevated the lovely, but confused, Curli-Q to be Queen for one hour - not a bad reign for a girl nobody wanted! The Honky Tonk Queen contest was again held at a reasonable hour, and Lois entered yet again. This time, she lost to a rubber-encased lesbian who stole Lois' idea of having peons (no, not pee on!!!) chant her name. Gotta luv a girl who steals from the best! Donna Matrix had a great contingent who proved to one and all that we truly were not worthy. While the contest was a few laughs, the bathing beauties (also known as the Honky Tonk Training Academy, or just Miss Jean Brodie's School for Girls) were ejected from the pool by a hotel manager for scaring the children. Seriously! And in the midst of a Democratic administration!!! The embarrassment! The humiliation!! The humanity!!! THE BASTARD!!!!

1995 Chicago, My Kind Of Town
It was the 10th Anniversary of the Honky Tonk Queen contest, and it began with a rousing rendition of The Cellblock Tango, featuring all living former Queens, as well as the remains of Sybil, although she had died during a botched abortion at the hands of an unlicensed veterinarian two years earlier. And although dead two years, she actually looked better than she had alive. Hmmm.

The contest has two memories attached, Lois' and Tami's.
Lois writes: My convention, my town, my win. Me, Me, Me! Oh yeah, a note to all of those people who sked how long Lil Biddydick and I worked on our "no speaking" routine. Exactly 30 seconds prior to the beginning of the contest. I didn't want to run at all - couldn't stand being the "Susan Lucci" of the Honky Tonk Queen contest again. And let's be honest - if the judges had, been as smart as the judges the following year, Elvis would have won in Chicago. Thank God I didn't have to try to live that one down. I really think that would have been the final nail in Lois' coffin. For those of you who had the fleeting thought "GOOD!," bite me, okay?

Tami writes: Worst mistake we ever made!

1996 San Francisco, Back on the Bay
This Honky Tonk Queen Contest was won by a dog! Not the kind that wins every year, but an actual dog - who started out the year before as an also-ran, escorting Miss Grace Land, and somehow rose not only to Honky Tonk Queen, but also Best in Show. Elvis - woof - would reign supreme for the next year. Our Queen was the King.

1997 Las Vegas, Fake Boobs in Glitter Gulch
Now here was a year so devoid of talent and 1mag1nat1on, we finally had to give the crown to Virginia Hamm who literally won the lesbian judges over just by wiggling her little finger. Now, how was that for some sugar-cured audacity? This was also the year that we found out that Miss Anne Uebelacker could do some things with her fingers other than - well, whatever. The broad plays the accordionǃ Go figureǃǃǃ Somebody entered as Deborah Parnell (and honey, WHY???), Roseanne screeched, and the rest is just a blur - although Tami made a lovely showgirlǃ

1998 Portland, Won't Udo That Voodoo That Udo So Well!
OK - size does matter, as we found out this year when the Belles of San Francisco made their triumphant entrance in the contest - marking the first time the contest was won by a float - or four floats, if you weigh it out!!! In no particular order, they were: Belle Whatley, Belle Poitrine, Belle Epoque, and Belle E. Button. Great costumes, minimal talent. They did prove what Lois and Tami have always believed: that drag and leather are at opposite ends of the same continuum - and these twisted bitches lived at both ends simultaneously! In addition to that, they all fed off of one brain!

1999 Los Angeles, Death March - Now There's a C-4 Concept!
This contest was won by a foreigner who's too damned pretty to be a Honky Tonk Queen. The Divine Muriel - a pro, we might add - swept through and took the contest the way her ancestors took Pearl Harbor. Just bombed the crap out of them and left everybody stunned. Incidentally, after Los Angeles, it can no longer be ignored: the contest was populated by the largest number of losers in history. What happened to all the fun contestants? What happened to glamour? What happened to talent?? WHAT HAPPENED??? It happened, my dears, that the contest was decidedly won by someone who speaks NOT ONE WORD OF ENGLISH!!! Just enough to make a love connection, if you know what l mean.

2000 Baltimore, I've Got Crabs!!!
Well, with the help of two old pros, Muriel showed up for the contest with some men of Asian persuasion that made rice queens out of the most die-hard white bread lovers! Never will we forget those boys shimmying out of their kimonos and turning around holding those long, hard, tubeshaped cannons and ejaculating paper streamers all over the faces of the first two rows! After annoying several contestants with acts of self-will, and forcing contestants to improvise on the spot rather than perform what they'd rehearsed, the crown was handed over to Ucanleime Amy - a Polynesian wannabe, whose talents are yet to be determined! Stand by for the true test of her mettle!

That same evening, Tami and Lois finally reach the same conclusion: that putting on stupid women's clothing, slapping their faces with toxic waste, and wearing hair that only a street person could love, might not be the way to true love, so they doffed their wigs, shimmied out of their crinolines, and boogied the Hell out of dragdom forever. Well -- maybe not forever. But at least they won't be having to DRAG it all over Hell's half acre just to get the attention they so desperately need. Lois, of course, was almost immediately seen in a dress at the North Halsted Market Days. Tami, on the other hand, became a lesbian, married well and retired to the south of France, where she is trying to reinvent herself as the long, lost granddaughter of Coco Chanel. Poor demented bitchǃ


  1. 2001 IAGSDC Convention Program (Vancouver)